I take salsa class every Tuesday and I take the train to get
there. Riding the train confirms every negative stereotype I’ve ever heard
about my people. They are loud. They are ghetto. You don’t want to hear it and
you try to argue it down but on the train, they prove it true. I’ve seen a
countless number of young men with their pants sagging and their faded colored
or dingy white streaked drawers proudly on display. I’ve heard the loud-talking
foul-mouthed young ladies who think their crassness is cool.
Why pay $50 for a Bluetooth when all you
need is a big rubber band ... and you know you
can get one for free from the office supply
closet at work!
So last night, I’m on my way back from class. Half way
through the 20 minute ride, this guy starts shouting. I turn around to see a
guy yelling obscenities and threats into his flip phone. As I look around the
train, all of us are looking at him. He, apparently, doesn’t see us as he
continues his loud rant in front of women and children, riding the train is
proof positive that chivalry is dead.
Midway through the rant, this loud ghetto-fabulous man yells
into his phone “You need to stop acting so damn ghetto!” Wow. Talk about the
pot calling the kettle black. This man who’s clearly using his angry ‘outside’
voice inside the otherwise quiet train, was the very personification of ghetto.
Then again, I guess it takes one to know one.
It did get me to thinking. Everyone is on their phone all of
time. A lot of people have forgotten that being on the phone in public means
that the public is hearing your conversations. There are some conversations
that should remain private. Of course, conversations that involve yelling and
cursing probably shouldn’t be done in public or in the car for that matter. I
have seen angry people obviously cussing somebody out on the phone and swerving
all over the road as they do.
So here are five conversations that you might not want to
have in front of an audience.
Illness: No one wants to hear about how you or your child
were up hurling half-digested Chuck E. Cheese pizza or about how your diarrhea was
splattering and splashing all over the toilet.
Sex Talk: No one wants to hear about your weekend exploits
with the drunk twins you left the bar with (okay, some men might be interested,
but still…). No one wants to hear your sexual banter and about what you are
going to do to whoever when you get off the train and get home.
Sex Photos: Okay, and if you are in close proximity to other
people, it probably isn’t the best time to review your gallery of penises,
camel toes and bare boobs and bottoms. Again, some men standing next to you might
be interested, but still….
Money: You don’t know who is standing around you. While you
are giving your credit card number, someone could be texting it to themselves.
A few days later, there are a number of inexplicable charges to Hooters,
massage parlors and sex shops. You are going to have a lot of explaining to do!
Crime: There are a number of stupid criminals. They
videotape their exploits. They brag about their illegal behavior on Facebook
and they usually get caught. If you are engaged in illegal activities, maybe
you shouldn’t be planning them or bragging about them loudly on a phone around
perfect strangers. Then again, like I said, there are a number of stupid
criminals.
Bonus Topic: Gossip. Yes it’s fun to talk about other people
and voice your negative opinions of them. However, you don’t really know who is
standing around you. A few years ago, a friend and I went to a big event
downtown. As we were waiting for the train, in a packed crowd, I glanced at the
woman standing next to me. I quickly glanced again. “Aunt Ellen?” I asked. “SDC?”
she said. My aunt and I don’t even live in the same city but she came into town
for the event. How awkward would it have been if I’d have been loud on the
phone complaining about my dad (her brother) or something my crazy aunt (her
sister) did. Of course, if I was talking about my crazy aunt, she probably
would have understood. The heifer is crazy.
Okay, here's one thing I can say that many of those in my generation cannot. I have never been 'high'. I've been plenty drunk but I've never been high on an illegal substance. Smoking is disgusting when it is a cigarette. When it is a smelly joint that is wet and nasty and slobbered on by a bunch of random people passing it around ... I'm gonna have to pass. It takes two nurses and about seven pricks to draw blood from my small, collapsing veins, so how and the hell would I shoot up? The thought of putting something up my nose is just plain gross.
Besides, have you seen most drug dealers? Okay, neither have I; but the ones I've seen on Cops, frankly, I wouldn't trust to valet park the Mazda 6, so why would I buy drugs from them?? So, I heard this story this morning on the radio and had to track it down. This version comes from the Smoking Gun. Just another cautionary tale on why you shouldn't do drugs. You never know where they've been.
MAY 11--In what may be a record for narcotics recovered from a suspect’s rectum, Vermont cops last week arrested a New York City man who hid large quantities of crack cocaine, marijuana, and Oxycodone inside his body.
Alex Boulet, 29, is facing felony drug charges stemming from a May 4 traffic stop in Rockingham. Boulet, a Staten Island resident, was driving a 2012 Chevrolet Malibu when a state trooper pulled the vehicle over after it swerved across lanes around 11 PM.
During a subsequent pat down of Boulet (who used the alias “Elijah Jones”), a trooper “felt a hard object, the approximate size of a golf ball that was separate from his genitals.” In short order, investigators secured a warrant to search Boulet--via X-ray or other non-intrusive medical procedures--for narcotics, according to a court affidavit.
After an initial X-ray at a local hospital revealed a foreign object in his rectum, Boulet was given a laxative by hospital staffers (he also requested a cup of coffee). Boulet subsequently passed a plastic bag containing several other bags that contained a total of 84 crack rocks “all packaged individually.”
After a second X-ray showed “more foreign objects,” Boulet returned to the commode in his hospital room. He then passed two plastic bags containing a total of 218 Oxycodone pills. Boulet expelled the powerful painkiller from his rectum more than five hours after passing the crack cocaine.
When a third X-ray revealed that Boulet was still holding, he was transferred to the intensive care unit of a second hospital. While there, he “passed his fourth bag of contraband,” noted Trooper Kevin Hughes in the May 7 affidavit. The final bag--covered like the others in unpleasantness--contained 11.5 grams of marijuana.
As a result of his secret dispensary, Boulet was charged with possession of crack cocaine, marijuana, and a regulated drug. He is locked up in the Marble Valley Correctional Center in lieu of $50,000 bail.
Remember when Eddie Murphy sang this song? Alex, at 29, probably doesn't, but his story immediately brought this song to mind.
I realize now that I am an ID addict. I’ve suspected it for a while. Yesterday it was confirmed. When I talk about ID, I’m not talking about stealing glances at people’s driver’s licenses. I’m talking about Investigation Discovery. Now that Court TV is gone, ID is the channel I go to for my daily dose of murder and mayhem.
Practically every day, I’m watching shows called Deadly Women, Who the Bleep Did I Marry, Unusual Suspects, Scorned, Deadly Sins and Killer Trials. I have spent entire Sundays glued to ID. I don’t know if it’s normal. The more I think about it, it probably isn’t. I defend my predilection for ID by saying, if I could do it again, I would probably go into forensic psychology or something similar. I am completely fascinated by the criminal mind.
Anyway, I have wondered, as of late, if maybe I’m watching a bit too much ID. I got my answer (YES!) as I drove home yesterday. While listening to my classic rock station, I Shot the Sherriff came on (the Eric Clapton version). I found myself questioning the lyrics, developing my own theory of the crime and theorizing how this would play out in court.
So this is the premise of the song:
Eric says: I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
I say: Oh really? Let’s look at this a little more closely.
Eric says:
All around in my home town
They're trying to track me down.
They say they want to bring me in guilty
For the killing of a deputy.
I say: So you admit shooting the sheriff but you deny the charge of shooting the deputy. Hmmm…
Eric says:
I shot the sheriff, but I swear it was in self-defense.
I shot the sheriff, and they say it is a capital offense.
Sheriff john brown always hated me;
For what I don't know.
Every time that I plant a seed
He said, kill it before it grows.
He said, kill it before it grows.
I say: Depending on the state, shooting the sherriff is a capital offense and since you admit to killing him, this makes you a cop killer, so regardless of whether or not you shot the deputy, you are probably going down.
As far as the sheriff hating you, we’ll have to look into that. However, this animosity between you and the sheriff has me thinking premeditation and not self-defense.
Eric says:
Freedom came my way one day
And I started out of town.
All of a sudden I see sheriff john brown
Aiming to shoot me down.
So I shot, I shot him down.
I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy.
Reflexes got the better of me
And what is to be must be.
Every day the bucket goes to the well,
But one day the bottom will drop out,
Yes, one day the bottom will drop out.
I say: The bottom is dropping out right now. You were heading out of town and you just saw the sheriff aiming to shoot you. You blame your reflexes however this means that when the sheriff saw you, you were probably already holding the gun and must have been pointing it at him as well. Given this admission of ‘reflexes’ combined with the whole bad blood between you two, I say it was premeditated. I’m not saying that you plotted this but I am saying that some thought went into this before you pulled the trigger.
I also think it’s odd that you deny shooting the deputy but you make no reference to where the deputy was or what he was doing when you got into this showdown with the sheriff. Did you actually shoot the deputy as well or is there some accomplice that you are protecting?
Basically, I want to order some ballistics to see if the same gun that shot the sheriff also shot the deputy.
For the sheriff alone, I am willing to plead this down to Murder 2 and take the death penalty off the table in return for life with no parole.
Last week, I ranted about an $89 prescription for the dog. He's what they call, in business, a cost center. In other words, he doesn't make money, he just uses it. I'm beginning to think he should find some employment. Yes, the Pampered Pooch needs to get out into the real world, the work world.
So what can he do? I've got some ideas..
TV Spokesdog: We have a local car dealership that features ads from Mr. Unbelievable, a dog that sits on the hood of a car while they talk about new car deals. My dog is cuter. He could do that job.
Greeter at Wal-Mart: Considering I don’t get a greeting half the time I’m at Wal-Mart, so Joey at the entrance would be an improvement. He could wag his tail and give a couple friendly barks.
Dog Food Taster: I think he could be good at this. I like to think he has a discriminating palate.
Mascot: Somewhere there is a team called the Poodles. There may even be a team somewhere called the Toy Poodles, He could work for them. He looks good in t-shirts (just not hats).
So Joey recently celebrated his 12th birthday … which makes him 64 in dog years … NOT 84 (check out the dog age calculator). Anyway, he’s in good health to look at him. He still runs and jumps and get around with no problem.
However he was diagnosed about four years ago with a disease called Cushing’s. It’s a chronic condition he’ll have for the rest of his life. Lucky for him, it doesn’t cause any pain or discomfort. It is though, an expensive disease to treat. Blood work can cost upwards of $300 and let’s not talk about the medicine! On second thought, let’s talk about the medicine!
When we started, it was $43. Then, while getting a refill, last year, it went up to $59. Today, I go to pick up the prescription and it’s $89. Eighty nine freakin’ dollars for the dog’s Rx! What the hell! He has ‘pet insurance’ but it doesn’t cover prescriptions. Did I mention, I just paid, eighty nine freakin’ dollars for the dog’s Rx?
When I got back to work, I looked up the medicine on 1-800 Pet Meds and they had a bottle for $9.99! OMG! Are you freakin’ serious??? Well, wait a minute … upon further investigation, it isn’t $9.99 a bottle, it’s $9.99 per pill The pill, just one, is a ridiculously freakin’ $9.99. For one!
What kind of freakin’ designer disease does my freakin’ dog have? Leave it to me to have a dog with an upscale illness. I need a dog with something we can fix with a quick trip through Wal-Mart! I need a Marshalls/Ross dog not a Saks/Nordstrom dog.
So, as I’m looking with amazement at the receipt that says $89 (which is what I paid for a freakin’ prescription for a freakin’ dog), I see the warning labels and all I could say was, “Really?”
MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS What does it matter if it causes drowsiness? The damn dog sleeps all day anyway. What? Is drowsiness going to keep him from doing his job effectively? Is he risking falling asleep at a meeting or something? He’s a freakin’ dog!!!!
The next one was even worse.
Avoid ALCOHOL. Do Not Drive ifdrowsy One thing we’ll never have to worry about with Joey is him blaming it on the alcohol. He’s a freakin’ dog! He drinks water, occasionally milk. I don’t even think he drinks juice, now he’s sipping booze? Now, he’s on a first name basis with Jose and Jack?
Oh, and then he’s not just drinking, now he’s driving. Not only is he a freakin’ dog, he’s a freakin’ toy poodle! Driving? Really? How can he navigate the pedals? Even when he’s sitting on the seat, he can barely see out of the windows. Don’t get me started on the fact that he can’t grip a steering with paws.
Is this part of what my freakin’ $89 is going towards, unnecessary warning stickers? Geez.
Joey is really lucky I love is designer-disease-having-drowsiness-inducing-expensive-ass-medicine-taking self.
So my boss has a big bowl of plain M&Ms outside of her office. Mmmm, M&Ms. So I grab a big spoonful to eat at my desk and nearly everyone who passed by had something to say. I didn’t get the big deal.
You see, I have this thing. I separate my M&Ms by color and I eat them in order from my least favorite to my most favorite. I start with the brown. I have nothing against brown but they just stand out in a pile of brightly colored M&Ms. Then I go to Orange, then Yellow, then Green, then Red and then Blue. It’s just something I do.
I realize that they are M&M and not Skittles and they all taste the same. I do the same thing with Skittles though (starting with the Purple), it’s very hard to eat Skittles or M&Ms at the movie theater. I have to wait until a daylight scene so I can quickly pick out the same colors. It got to be a bit much so I don’t order them at the movies anymore.
Someone else talked about the time I was wasting. I’m not a preschooler trying to make sense of colors. It takes seconds, and a few seconds at that to separate my M&Ms.
I don’t do the same with meals. I don’t have to eat my peas separate from my mashed potatoes and all that but when it comes to candy, it’s just different. It’s a quirk.
Another quirk. I cannot go to sleep until all closet doors and dresser drawers are completely closed. My ex-BF used to leave one slightly open just because he knew I’d have to close it… What some people do for fun never ceases to amaze me.
The dog is quirky too. Joey spends half his day moving the food bowl around the floor. In the car, he doesn’t look out of the window when we’re driving. I’ve never seen a dog not look out the window while driving but he doesn’t.
As a single girl, I live in fear of falling in love with a wonderful man with a terrible last name: Focker, Lipshitz, Sweats, or Butts. So I cringe every time I hear the story of Anthony Weiner. Weiner, a member of Congress, was enthusiastically showing his member to a young girl via Twitter. Now, it comes out that the married Congressman is sharing other photos with women on Facebook.
He swears he never had sexual relations with any of those women. My guess is that the pictures didn’t really help his cause. First of all, most women need more than a photo of a penis to get aroused and that particular penis isn’t anything to get excited about. The photo of his chest didn’t send me panting either.
So for the sake of stupid politicians, preachers, professional athletes and others in the public eye, here are some things not to do.
Take and Send Photos of Yourself Sending lewd photos of yourself is stupid. Yes, I’m talking to you Bishop Eddie Long and Representative Weiner. If you are going to send some photos … be photo ready. Eddie Long was kinda buff ... but kinda not buff. Ergo, he should not send photos to other dudes, especially while wearing spandex. It’s just in bad taste.
Weiner would have been more impressive if his wiener had been a foot-long or at least a bun-length. While we are talking about Weiner’s wiener, if you are going to show the hot dog, show the hot dog! What was up with the tightie whities? With all the trouble this photo has cost him, he should have gone Full Monty!
Making a Sex Tape Worse than photos. Unless you are attempting to enter the porn industry, a la Montana Fishburne, don’t be surprised when your ‘private’ video gets ‘leaked’ to the public. What did you expect? From Kim K to John Edwards, it’s going to get into the wrong hands. It’s not a matter of if but when. And don’t pull an R. Kelly and do some illegal stuff (sex with an underage girl) and film it. Ridiculous! Even more ridiculous than filming yourself in a bunch of unflattering positions, sans airbrushing, is the fake surprise and outrage from the celebrity when the video surfaces.
Scandalous Use of Social Media Not a week goes by when we don’t hear of someone getting fired or starting off some sort of drama because of a Facebook post or an ill-advised tweet. I don’t get it. Is Facebook that addicting that you have to post your every thought, from major life choices to lunch choices online? It takes a conscious effort to post or send a pic or update your status but never does anyone stop and think, “Maybe this isn’t a good idea.”
Sexting and Emailing Tiger, Ashton and Brett Favre know about this one. The jump-offs and skanks these guys are hooking up with are keeping those tawdry texts and sexy messages. Once the scandal breaks, they’ll be taking their cell phones and emails directly to Gloria Allred who will find something to sue somebody for.
Lying After being dumb enough to take the pictures, write the emails, send the texts or make the video … basically creating their own evidence trail, these foolish celebs will turn around and lie about it. Dumb Asses! They’ll stand in front of a crowd of reporters and lie about it. They will get caught. Hell, by the time the press conference is called, they are already busted! So fess up. Own the ignorance. Embrace it. These scandals last two and three times as long as they should because the press loves to expose a lie.
Unfortunately, like Viagra, I think the story about Weiner’s wiener is going to last a little longer before it goes flaccid.
Name: SDC Home: United States About Me: I'm a youthful 44-year old, who is infectiously funny, dangerously smart, wildly creative, hopelessly math-phobic, tactfully honest, occasionally politically incorrect, and cute to boot! See my complete profile
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