Sweet, Dark and Crazy

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dating: The Abridged Version

Life is like a newspaper. Some people are featured in the sports page; others find themselves in the society page or the weekly religious column. Others still find that they often grace the front section or maybe business. Lots of people aspire for the lifestyle and entertainment pages. Me? I'm definitely a comic strip wedged somewhere between The Boondocks and Cathy.

I've had some of the worst first dates (and last dates) imaginable. Here are some of the Hall of Famers in The Sweet Dark and Crazy Cavalcade of Clowns!

The Flake: This guy actually used the 'I left my wallet' in the car line to get me to pay for dinner. Luckily, it was cheap. This is the same gentleman who said I should be flattered that he was interested in me at all because he 'normally goes out with white girls.' - That was supposed to be a compliment.

The Bigamist: While on our first date, he informs me that he's been married twice and has three kids. The oldest and youngest are by his first wife and the middle child is by the second wife (I'll let you think about that one for a minute). He then goes on to say that he doesn't believe in divorce and has never gotten one from either of his wives. Divorce was the 'white man's law' and it didn't apply to him. So while we were out, he was still married to two women.

Superfly, Private Eye: Met this guy through a personal ad. We were supposed to go to dinner and a Super Bowl party. We ended up at some dive bar filled with shady characters that he claimed were informants he worked with as a private investigator. In fact, while we were there, police came in looking for someone. And dinner? Dinner was set up on a rickety card table in the back. It consisted of a crock-pot of greasy chili, a box of Saltine crackers and an aluminum tray of sweaty cheese.

The Intellectual: This guy talked to me like I was Forrest Gump. I mean, talking very slowly and over enunciating every word so that I could understand him better. After dinner, we went to see a movie. The movie opened with a quote from the Bible "What does it profit a man to gain the whole world but lose his soul?" He leans over and says, "That's a quote from the Bible. Are you familiar with the Bible?" I furrowed my brow as if he had asked me to explain the theory of relativity and I replied, "Is that the book they have in the hotel rooms?"

The Tongue Rammer: As condescending as the Intellectual plus he had an annoying habit of talking about his mother ad nauseam. There was no love connection here. We had agreed to meet at Starbucks (where I bought my own coffee). We had a halfway decent conversation but there was nothing flirty in my comments or suggestive in my body language. I thought I was making it clear that I was not interested. I guess I thought wrong. As he walked me to my car, he stopped on a street filled with pedestrians, grabbed me and rammed his tongue down my throat right in front of Bath & Body Works. I think he thought it was some grand romantic gesture. I had to fight the urge to spit.

Liar, Liar: This guy would lie about what he ate for breakfast. We went out once and actually had a good time. After that, every time we had plans, he'd break them and give a lame excuse. Once, he said he was flying in from NYC to LA. His flight got in at 6:45 PM. He calls me at 10:00 PM and says that he and his boy (who picked him up from the airport) had decided to drive to Las Vegas and that's where they were. Giving him an out, I said, "Oh, you're on your way to Vegas." He says, "No, we're already here." He claimed to have driven to Vegas, from LAX, in less than 3 hours, on a Thursday evening with LA traffic. I wouldn't hear from him for months and then call me out of the blue wanting to go out but never following through. It was a big joke.

The last time he called, I gave him a lie of my own. I told him I'd rekindled a relationship with an old flame and we were getting married ... oh and I'm currently 4 months pregnant with twins. Finally, he stopped calling!

Mr. Dee-Jay: While volunteering to help out with Hurricane Katrina relief, I met Mr. DJ. We talked on and off for a few days and at the end of the week, he asked for my number. As soon as I gave it to him, he informed me that he'd definitely call in several weeks. You see, he was in a rehab program and he couldn't make or receive calls.

In several weeks, he did call. A few weeks later, he was out and home with mom. He still called. Most of the time I didn't answer; when I did, I'd talk for a quick minute and then rush off the phone. One night my cell phone rang at 12:43 AM. When I saw his number, I turned the phone off. That morning, I had FIVE messages on my cell phone. In the first one, he talked about how much he wished I could come by and pick him up; then he played for me the pre-Luther version of "If This World Were Mine." His second message was The Isley Brothers For the Love of You. The third was some song so old school that I didn't even recognize it. He spent the fourth message thumbing through the Bible for a passage that would describe a "Good Christian woman such as yourself." In his final message at 5:32 AM, he had found the passage. He quoted from Song of Solomon about how my breasts were like two fawns and how he wanted to climb me like a tower. How very Christian!!!

Labels: Men, Yahoos

posted by SDC @ 2:17 PM

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