Let me tell you about my wardrobe malfunction. It was this past Saturday morning. I was up early. I spent about 5 hours downtown doing some volunteer work. Afterwards, I rushed home to walk the Joey and then meet my friend A****. We went up to the outlet mall in a search of a pair of jeans I wanted (Who knew that Jones of New York, of all places, would make a pair of jeans that are comfortable as hell and fit me perfectly - in the waist, booty and thigh!)
Anyway, as I was getting dressed, I noticed my usually overflowing pantie drawer was a little low. I made a mental note to do a couple loads of laundry and dashed out of the house. It wasn’t long before the discomfort set in and I realized why these panties were embedded at the bottom of the drawer.
You see they are French Cut and there is no elastic around the legs. So almost immediately, I felt the fabric on the right leg opening rubbing against me. I shrugged it off and continued my busy day. This rubbing and chafing went on all day but I kept shrugging it off. However, when I got home, I couldn’t wait to take those things off. I was actually in pain!
Due to the angle and the fact that I am way overdue for a ‘bikini’ area shave (In my defense, I’m not dating anyone, I work out at home and don’t have to endure any awkward locker room changes, and I am not getting into a bathing suit any time soon. In other words, ain’t nobody seeing my cookie, so lay off of me.)I didn’t recognize the damage I’d done.
The next morning, I was still really hurting but bound and determined to keep my Lenten resolution to exercise everyday during Lent (and to lay off fast food which has been a lot easier than I expected). So Sunday and Monday and even Tuesday, I worked out through the pain. I did easy workouts but still worked it out. By yesterday, it just hurt too damn much!
After days of this, I finally got brave enough to rummage around down there. I know I sound like a prude but outside of menstruation and masturbation , I don’t have much of a cause to be down there. Then again, I’m the same woman who doesn’t do breast exams because it all feels ‘lumpy’ to me. Not lumpy like a bag of marbles but lumpy like, ‘this is ridiculous, what the hell am I looking for.’ What I felt was this large raised, hard big bump of a thing right along my underwear line. It scared the shyt outta me. You can believe that.
I confided in my co-worker Cara about ‘the situation’ because, after all, nothing quite says ‘bonding with the new girl’ as much as discussing underwear and bruising to her nether regions. Surprisingly, Cara knew exactly what I was talking about. It is a large blood blister (I throw up in my mouth a little every time the thought of a big a** blood blister, less than inches away from my cookie crosses my mind). Her advice? Go commando as much as possible and lay off the exercise until it goes down (let’s hope for that) or pops (Dear God, no!!).
I can’t go commando at work. Hell, I can’t go commando at home. I’m an underwear girl. Going through the day with no drawers seems unsanitary and a little scandalous. At home, still, not so much. At night, I have a fear of some spider crawling up there and taking a bite out of the cookie. Seriously, that is a real fear I have. Honest!
So, thank God for Google. I googled, “underwear blister” and actually was surprised by the number of things that came up. So here is my plan: lay off exercise until it goes down (mentally, I am willing that damn thing NOT to pop), use some Neosporin on it (not sure what that does but it makes me feel better), AND where boy cut briefs because they fit differently and won’t aggravate the blister as much.
Take it from me, I’d have much preferred a flash of a nipple to days of pain and waddling around like a fat old woman.
I'm completely obsessed with the Sock Monkey from the Kia Sorento commercial. I won't explain it. I can't justify it. I refuse defend it. It is what it is. I've gone so far as to become a fan of the Sock Monkey's Facebook group and even to find out where I can get a monkey of my own (I just have to make sure he has the mom tattoo he gets in the commercial).
He's just a jet skiing, snow angel-making, mechanical bull-riding, tattoo-getting, club-going rockin' good time. Oh yeah, and he bowls! I love this commercial and yes, the You Tube version of the full 1:00 minute commercial is bookmarked on my Blackberry.
When I purchase my sock monkey (his name is Diggbee), his job is to sit strapped into the passenger's seat and dream up exciting places we can go in the Mazda. Zoom, Zoom, Zoom! Woo-Hoo!
I'd bring him into the house, but I think he'd just feel confined. Diggbee needs his freedom. Plus, he looks a lot like some of Joey's toys and I'm sure he would not appreciate being dragged around the house in the teeth of a toy poodle, though they might have some nice evenings sitting together by the fire.
I wonder, and let me know what you think, do I need to get a companion for Diggbee? Maybe the Teddy Bear, so he doesn't get lonely. The weies red thing is completely out of the question, although he's a party guy too.
In Chinese astrology, my sign is that of the monkey, that could have something to do with it. Whatever it is, I love him and I don't care!
So here's the commercial. Maybe I can win a few converts.
For those of you who are kind of m'eh, on the commerical but dig the song How You Like Me Now? by The Heavy, here it is.
Name: SDC Home: United States About Me: I'm a youthful 44-year old, who is infectiously funny, dangerously smart, wildly creative, hopelessly math-phobic, tactfully honest, occasionally politically incorrect, and cute to boot! See my complete profile
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Duis ligula lorem, consequat eget, tristique nec, auctor quis, purus. Vivamus ut sem. Fusce aliquam nunc vitae purus.
