Sweet, Dark and Crazy

1. Bathroom Closeness: Unless it’s crowded, I don’t want someone doing their business in the stall right next to me. Out of all the stalls to choose from, someone chooses the one right next to me? I’m sorry but there is something that’s just pervy about that.
   


2. Potlucks at Work: Sure we work together but I don’t know you well enough to eat something you brought from home. As far as I know you could have nasty household habits. At my last job, there was a woman who would stand in front of the full length mirror, pick her nose and wipe the boogers on the wall next to the mirror. We could never find out who she was. How do I know I wasn’t eating her banana pudding? Unless you bought it from the store, or I know you well enough to know you aren’t a nasty bitch, I’m gonna have to pass.
   


3. Thin Men: They make me look fatter and hippier than I already am. Your man is your biggest and best accessory, so if he can’t make me look good, he’s gone. About the only thing a thin man can do for me is eat a sandwich and introduce me to his hefty friend (Note: I said hefty. I could say beefy. I might say athletic. But, I didn’t and wouldn’t say fat).
   


4. TMI: I once had a co-worker. I would ask her on Monday what she did over the weekend. Her response always included a play-by-play of her sexual escapades. I mean detailed – who’s leg was where, who’s tongue did what, how long it lasted and how many positions were used. I stopped asking her about her weekend. Moral of the story: keep your business to yourself.
   


5. Tailgating: Back the fuck up. Nuf’ said.
   


6. Lack of Eye Contact: When men speak to me, they should look me in the eyes. My boobs don’t talk. They are not carrying on a conversation with my ass. Look me in my eyes, damnit!
   


7. Angry Atheists: Why are they so angry? Why do they get their panties in a bunch every time someone utters the name of God? I innocently say “Bless You” after a sneeze and I’m treated to a 20-minute diatribe about how religion has ruined society. Calm down.
   


8. Ugly Women with Men: Every time I go to the mall or to the store, I see unattractive women who are coupled up. I can’t even get a dinner date and women that are less attractive than me have men. I’m not saying that I’m all that, but I’m not something you peel off the bottom of your shoe either. C’mon!
   


9. Bacon and Eggs: Cannot stand either one. They disgust me. The smell of bacon makes me ill. I don’t like eggs either. I never had. In the spirit of Dr. Seuss, let me put it this way when it comes to eggs. "I don't want them fried. I don’t want them dyed. I just can’t lie! But eggs I’ll never buy!" The smell of bacon and eggs together makes me nauseous.
   


10. Bedroom Mirrors: I have a mirror in front of my bed now but it still bothers me. Since I was a kid, I have this persistent, irrational fear that someone or something is looking at me from the other side of the mirror while I sleep. I’m scared that one day I’m going to wake up and see it looking at me. Seriously, the thought of it keeps me up at night.

Labels: Me