Sweet, Dark and Crazy

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Oh Happy Day!

Call me The Grinch if you want to. I don’t care. Tomorrow it will be October and before you know it, the holidays will be upon us. I’ve already had to put in my request for vacation time. I will be off for Thanksgiving but I opted to take the week before Christmas off. Someone had to be in the office for those precious days before Christmas and during the ‘dead’ week between Christmas and New Year’s, it might as well be me. This way the people with kids and those who actually want to spend the holidays with family can do that.

It’s not that I don’t like my family but unless I’m chillin’ at my Aunt Tess’s or over my cousin Jeanie’s, I don’t like it. Spending Christmas with my dad and stepfamily is like spending Christmas with a co-worker that you aren’t close with. You are polite and courteous but it doesn’t really mean anything.

Besides, they all expect gifts for their kids and personally, I don’t feel obligated to buy a gift for someone’s kids because they made the choice to procreate. Great! You have kids! Wonderful! I’m sure it’s an amazing and incomprehensibly fulfilling experience that I will never fully appreciate or understand, but what does it have to do with me? If we aren’t close … If we NEVER talk on the phone, exchange an email or even a post on a Facebook page … if you aren’t even a Facebook friend … if I only see you and your kids maybe once every few years for a couple of hours … if your kids don’t know me from a complete stranger and … if I can’t pick your kid out of a kiddie line-up, why in the hell am I getting that kid a gift?

I don’t know what they want. I don’t know what they like. Sure, I can get them a gift card but why? $25 gift cards for a bunch of kids gets expensive and I can’t even get a wallet-sized photo once a year or a half-way heart-felt thank you.

Also, older kids, like my 17-year old sister, I got news for you. You want to act grown the other 364 days of the year, act grown on Christmas and recognize that you don’t just get gifts ‘just because’ anymore. Throw your name into the gift exchange like everyone else. Welcome to adulthood.

And about that gift exchange…All of us put our names in a hat and you are only required to buy a gift for the person you select instead of trying to get something for everyone. But wait, it isn’t a gift exchange, it’s a “Here’s my list of 3-5 things I want that cost $50. Go buy me one from my list and I’ll buy you one from yours” exchange. Here’s my idea, you take your $50 and buy yourself something you’ll like and I’ll take my $50 and buy something I like and this way, everybody gets what they want and you can bypass the whole gift wrapping thing. Save a tree … buy your own damn gift.

Labels: Family, Rant

posted by SDC @ 1:59 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Maybe ... Or Maybe Not

I'm 42 and single. Yes, there is Ashton, but I honestly can't see him as husband material (look at what's going on with the real Ashton). He's more of a boy-toy. Anyway, outside of regular sex, birthday and anniversary gifts, there are a few reasons why I might want to get hitched or jump the broom one day.

10 Reasons Why I Need a Husband

I hate doing yard work.
Sometimes I feel the need to rearrange furniture and I can’t do it by myself.
I would love someone to take my car to get washed (or just wash it)
I love to cook and need someone to help me eat all that food.
I would always have a date for office Holiday parties.
I wouldn’t be so scared when I wake up from a nightmare, if someone else was there.
He can take the car to a mechanics and they’ll take him seriously.
Unemployment would have been easier if I’d had access to a second income.
He’d probably be funny and we could share a lot of laughs.
I like shopping for men's stuff.

Then again, I kind of like my life right now. I do what I want, when I want, and answer to no one. When I leave the house and come back, everything is where I left it and no one eats the last cookie. Since I've got it pretty good right now, here's why I might be better off as I am.

Why I don’t need a husband

I can watch what I want on TV (and can always find the remote).
I don’t have to get dragged to ridiculous horror and mindless action movies.
I can wake up in the middle of the night and go to the bathroom in the dark without finding out too late that the damn toilet seat was up.
No snoring or blanket-hogging.
My TV isn’t dedicated to sports for months at a time.
There is never just ‘a swallow’ left in the juice bottle or milk carton.
I know how to drive and don’t need someone to tell me what I already know.
I have a cool last name.
I have a lot of products in my bathroom and my closets are full. I don’t see that changing.
Witnessing gross bodily functions and inappropriate scratching … all the time.

Labels: Men

posted by SDC @ 1:51 PM 2 comments

Monday, September 27, 2010

Show Me the Damn Money!

If I’m going to do someone else’s job, I think I should be compensated. Think about it. The self-serve car wash is a lot cheaper than one where actual people wash your car. When you go to a fast-food restaurant, you aren’t expected to tip; but if you sit and dine, you tip the service because she’s serving you and providing a service.

So why when I go to the grocery store or Wal-Mart, don’t they give me a discount for scanning and bagging my own damn food? I’m not a kid. This is no novelty or game where I’m fascinated by the beeps and the (always too loud) computer lady voice. What am I getting for doing the job of a cashier?

Am I getting a discount on my total bill? Am I working toward some free gift or reward? Do I get a check at the end of the year for all the salaries and wages I’ve saved the store?

At my grocery store, there are four self-serve checkouts and ONE person monitoring all four. They saved money that could have been spent on three more cashiers. Are they passing that cost-savings onto me, the consumer? Of course not.

From this point on, I am refusing to ‘check myself out.’ That’s what I’m paying the store to do!

P.S. - Just in case you are wondering, the woman in the photo is NOT me. ... I'm cuter than that ;)

Labels: Random Shit, Rant

posted by SDC @ 2:10 PM 0 comments

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Long Stroke on the Down Low?

Ohhh-weee. Bishop Eddie Long ... who knew? Of course, what we have are a whole lot of allegations, nothing has been proven yet, but it doesn't look good. So let's start with the allegations.

At this point, four young men have come forward and accused Bishop Long of coercing them into sex. While their relationships with the bishop began as early as age 14, the sexual activity did not begin until each accuser was 16 or over. The age of consent in Georgia is 16, so technically, it was legal for the bishop to have sex with these young men provided it was consensual.

In court papers, the accusers claim that Long made the plaintiffs his "Spiritual Sons." As a Spiritual Son, they were given gifts including cars, tuition, jewelry, housing and both national and international travel. Ironically, Long is notoriously anti-gay and anti-gay marriage. Yet, the Spiritual Sons each engaged in a Covenant Ceremony with the Bishop that seems a lot like a marriage ceremony.

According to a New York Times article, "The boys went through a bonding ritual, known as a "Covenant Ceremony," in which Long gave them jewelry and exchanged vows with them while quoting from Scripture as ceremonial candles burned, according to court complaints filed against the pastor. Reciting Bible verses, the pastor promised to protect them from harm and called them "spiritual sons."

Hmmm ... Sounds like a marriage to me...

Two cell phone photos of Long in a muscle shirt and workout gear were sent to the media. Allegedly, he sent these to some of his Spiritual Sons. In his defense, Long's attorney Craig Gillen said on Tom Joyner's morning radio show that the photos prove nothing. Long is a health advocate and weight lifter and that's all.

Also, it's important to mention that one of the accusers was accused of breaking into the Bishop's office in June of 2010 and is currently facing burglary charges in that case.

So here are my questions....

Didn't it raise red flags with these boys' mothers when they were taking private planes around the world, driving new cars and spending a bunch of money?

Several articles mention that others close to the pastor knew what was going on. How could you know something like that was going on and just turn a blind eye, especially if you want to call yourself a Christian?

How do you get up and talk against gays while doing this kind of stuff behind closed doors? How do you reconcile that in your mind?

What straight man sends those photos to other men?

Where is the rest of the evidence? Where are the emails, texts and other communications? I'm sure there had to be some.

So what do you think?

Labels: People Please, Yahoos

posted by SDC @ 5:18 PM 0 comments

Friday, September 24, 2010

Tar Babies Love Pancakes

Here’s a question for you. Why do pancake and waffle restaurants always have the word ‘House’ in the title? In Myrtle Beach, we ran into —

The International House of Pancakes
The Waffle House
The Huddle House
Plantation Pancake House
Hot Stacks Pancake House
Dino’s House of Pancakes

The only place we found that wasn’t a House was wrong for a whole lot of different reasons … Tar Baby’s. Look at the photo on the right. I don’t know what was more wrong — that image or the fact that we saw the image, read the name and ate there anyway.

Of course, we walked in and, besides the Tar Baby, Ashton and I were the only dark faces in the place (and it was packed).

Ashton did ask the waitress about the Tar Baby thing and she told us it was from an old Uncle Remus tale (read about it here). When she came back with our drinks, she had a copy of the Tar Baby story … which told me they must get that question a lot if they have printed copies of the story available. The waitress must have felt a little embarassed or ashamed or something because she gave us a run at the buffet for free.

Okay, so it's an Uncle Remus story - but you can't tell me they didn't get a kick out of putting that image up there looking like Al Jolson's baby in black face. In the spirit of Tar Baby's, here are a few other potential restaurant names I came up with.

Pick-a-Ninny's Chicken and Waffles
Sambo's Chitlin Chalet
Nigga Charlie's Neckbones and Ribs
Coloreds and Kool-Aid
Jigaboo Jones Jambalaya Jam
Coons and Collards
Big Mamma n' Em's (cuz you know it's always good eatin' at Big Mamma's)

Labels: Random Shit

posted by SDC @ 1:56 PM 2 comments

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I'm Backk!!

I’m 42 y’all and I had a blast on my birthday. Ashton and I drove down to Myrtle Beach. We had fun in the sun. We frolicked. We fished. And I even wore a bathing suit (sans cover-up) AND, and here’s the real kicker, … got into the pool, the Jacuzzi and in the ocean. I even got my hair wet.

This is huge. It's practically a sign of the Apopcalypse. I never get into the water … at least all the way into the water. If I’m in the pool, I normally go no deeper than 3 feet, leaving the upper 2 feet 5 inches of me completely dry. Likewise on the beach, I love to walk along side the water, letting the tide splash on my feet and lower legs but that's about it.

The only thing sadder than me at the beach trying not to get wet is being at the beach with Joey. That dog hates the water as much as I do. I stopped taking him to the beach when we lived in LA. It was a waste of time.

But I digress. I was in the water for 2 days. I swam (or at least tried to). Ashton dunked me in the water repeatedly. I ran all the way into the ocean. I was all over the place! Of course this meant I had to wash the chlorine and salt water out of my hair. Since I hadn’t packed any shampoo, I ended up using the crappy little bottles of shampoo in the hotel which weren’t designed for black hair. Thank goodness I had gotten my hair relaxed the week before, if I hadn’t I would have looked like Buckwheata.

I used that crap on my hair for two days. So as soon as I got home, I made a beeline for the shower where I washed and deep conditioned my hair. I swear at one point I heard it thank me. The moral of the story: I might leave home without my American Expressed (it's maxed out anyway), but I won't leave on another vacay without hair care supplies!

Labels: Me, Memories

posted by SDC @ 6:48 PM 0 comments

About Me

Name: SDC
Home: United States
About Me: I'm a youthful 44-year old, who is infectiously funny, dangerously smart, wildly creative, hopelessly math-phobic, tactfully honest, occasionally politically incorrect, and cute to boot!
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