Sweet, Dark and Crazy

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Got Your "Happy Valentine's Day!" : (

It’s just me and only me. I fly solo about 95% of the time. I have no kids. I have no spouse. I have no significant other (it ended with the lying sociopath that was Ashton about 6 weeks ago). My mom is dead and my dad remarried a while ago. He has a new family, so while I do have him, I no longer have a family back home I can claim.

So here it is Valentine’s Day and I’m alone. Well, I’m pretty much always alone and that’s okay. What bothers me is all of the people who assume that everyone celebrates everything. So here are some actual replies I’ve given to intrusive people (mainly sales people) who expect everyone to celebrate a yearful of holidays. Since they make me feel awkward, I give the awkwardness right back to them. Mine you, this list only focuses on holidays where gifts are usually in order.

Valentine’s Day: Someone enthusiastically says, “Happy Valentine’s Day!” I say with equal enthusiasm, “F**k you.” (Okay, that wasn’t really witty and while I’ve thought it many, many, many times, I’ve never actually said it).

Mother’s Day: It never fails, while walking through the department store, every year, some pushy saleswoman tries to sell me some perfume saying it would make a perfect Mother’s Day gift. I say, “Gee, that would be great but you see, my mother died when I was 15 and unfortunately, I haven’t been blessed with a child. So, I’m not sure who I’d be giving that perfume to.”

Father’s Day: I actually do celebrate this although my father disagrees with my logic. Before he and his current wife had their little bundle of joy (who’s now an insolent teen who acts more like a bundle of poop most of the time), there was me. So if it weren’t for me, he’d have had almost 25 fatherless Father’s Days … so I sort of think that entitles me to a gift. I mean, I’ll still give him something but I do think a two way gift exchange is in order. I have yet to receive my Father’s Day gift.

Christmas: Love my dad. Like my step-family … but not enough to celebrate with them. So I watch movies and hang out with Joey. I do get gifts for people but what makes it bearable is the 3G Ratio (giving and getting gifts ratio). In a good year (when I’m flush with money), the ratio is 1:1, which means for every gift I get for someone, I get one for myself. In a bad year, it’s like 5:1. For every five gifts I get for others, I get one for myself (those years suck).

The day I love the most is my birthday. Why? I’ll give you two reasons:
1. It’s not about relationships that I don’t have. So it doesn’t leave me feeling like I’m missing out on something.
2. I get gifts and dinners and stuff (I love getting stuff!)

So, Happy Valentine’s Day and F**k You very much!

Labels: Rant

posted by SDC @ 9:49 AM

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