This edition of The Random Shit is dedicated to anyone who’s been driving down the road singing a song, only to stop when they realize just how stupid the lyrics really are. We’ll start at the old and work our way up to the new.
Woman-to-Woman
Performed & Written by Shirley Brown
In this old school classic, Shirley calls Barbara to let her know that the man she’s having an affair with is her man. Shirley is calling to talk to Barbara “Woman to Woman”
During the spoken part at the beginning of the song, we find out that Shirley found Barbara’s number in “her old man’s pocket” and she wanted to call her and set her straight. Shirley tells Barbara, “But it`s only fair that I let you know that / The man you`re in love with / He's mine. / From the top of his head / To the bottom of his feet / The bed he sleeps in / And every piece of food he eats / You see, I make it possible / The clothes on his back / Ha ha, I buy them / The car he drives / I pay the note every month / So I`m telling you these things / To let you know how much I love that man / And woman to woman / I think you`ll understand / How much I`ll do to keep him”
Okay, now Woman-to-Woman …. Shirley you are an idiot. Your man is cheating on you. Wake the hell up! You don’t know this Barbara chick. She’s not in a relationship with you, he is. Why don’t you call him up, Woman to Man? Then, did I hear you right, Shirley? Did you just brag to the other woman about how you cook, clean, buy the clothes and pay the car note for your sorry-ass, philandering man? Did you just boost about paying the note on the car he’s driving Barbara around in and the clothes she’s ripping off his back? Oh I understand exactly how much you’ll do and what ridiculously pathetic lengths you’ll go to keep him.
And I Am Telling You
Performed by Jennifers – Holliday and Hudson
Wow. This is truly the desperate woman’s anthem. The man is leaving and
if we are looking at where this song falls in the musical, he’s leaving Effie for her former best friend and lead singer Deena. And this, this is the “best man [she’s] ever known”? Really?
Effie needs to take a page from the Bonnie Raitt songbook. No truer words have ever been sung than when Bonnie sang, “I can’t make you love me if you don’t. You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.” No man ever stayed because someone said, “I’m staying. I’m staying. And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love me.” No he’s not. Effie sings about “not waking up tomorrow morning and finding that there’s nobody there.” Oh but she did. And not only did she wake up alone, she woke up kicked out of the Dreamgirls. Great guy. Really worth the effort.
Birthday SexWritten and Performed by Jeremih Yeah
Talk about a cheap mother fucker. I see woman grooving and singing this all the time. Okay, he’s not giving you a gift, he’s not giving you a romantic dinner or a weekend getaway, he’s giving you the same old tired dick you had the other night. Oh, but I digress. It’s not the same, it’s special … because it’s your birthday.
If you fall for that okie-doke, then you don’t deserve a gift. You deserve to be hoodwinked and bamboozled.
In the first verse he admits he’s a cheap, horny little MF. He says, “It's your birthday so I know / you want to riiide out, / Even if we only go to myyy house / Sip mo- weezy as we sit upon myyy couch.” Yeah, girl, you are spending your special day at his house sitting up on his couch. Happy Birthday!
The chorus includes this line, “Don't need candles or cake” You mean, a sista can’t even get a cupcake?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not anti-birthday sex. I think it could be a great way to end a special evening, but as part of a birthday package that includes – birthday dinner, birthday gift, maybe some birthday cards and/or some birthday flowers. In and of itself, birthday sex is a cheap cop-out from a horny little bastard.
And if you let him get away with it, expect … Christmas Sex, New Year’s Sex and Valentine’s Day Sex.
