Sweet, Dark and Crazy: July 2009

My friend Annie and I have a standing lunch engagement every Saturday afternoon. We always go to the same restaurant and we usually get the same thing. We do it because the food is good and it's a fun way to catch up on the week.

We used to go to another restaurant but Annie really likes this place. Plus, the service is better ... or should I say, ... sexier. The manager of the new place is tall, dark and handsome and at some point during our weekly chit chat, we usually end up discussing exactly what we would do to him if given the chance. Last week, there were two scenarios. The first involved a game of naked Twister; the second him serving breakfast in bed. Mmmmm.... but I digress.

As I thought about him serving me up a big bowl of Lucky Charms while wearing some short white boxers, I encountered a little problem in my fantasy. It's ... his name... I don't name names but suffice to say, it isn't a name I'd like to yell out in the heat of passion. I'd have to stick to just random moans and taking the Lord's name in vain.

In fact, if he tried that "What's my name???" business, I'd probably bust out laughing, which, from previous experience I've learned, isn't appropriate to do while getting busy. I didn't think it was that serious. I mean, sex is supposed to be fun, right? So what's a little random laughter?

Anyway, there are a number of names that are just too weird or too long to roll off of the tongue. Hence the Idris Elba photo. Sexy as hell. Swagger for days. But "Idris!!! Idris!!! Right there! Right there!" ... Just not working for me.

Anyway, looking at celebrities, here are some other names I won't be screaming out any time soon.

Morris! Love me some Morris Chestnut. But I'd get visions of Morris the Cat and I don't like cats. Plus, it sounds kind of nerdy.

Boris! Boris Kodjoe. Defintiely a hottie. ... but you know where I'm going with this one... reminds me of that weird little guy in the black trenchcoat from the Rocky and Bullwinkle cartoons.

Barack! Come on now, admit it, it doesn't even sound like a name. It sounds like furniture. "Let's move the barack over by the dresser."

Lenny! Lenny Kravitz asked once in song,"Are you gonna go my way?" The answer was a

resounding "Hell Yes!" But, seriously, Lenny? Any Lenny you knew in school was sitting at the nerd table with Morris and Clyde - getting his lunch money stolen by the hotties on the football team. There are no hot Lennys in pop culture. Exhibit #1: the guy selling stolen goods from under his trench coat from Good Times (you remember, "My name is Lenny and if I ain't got it, there ain't any!!). Exhibit #2: Lenny and Squiqqy from Laverne and Shirley (he was the dumb one, not the little greasy one). Exhibit #3: Lenny from the Simpsons.

Djimon! Djimon Hounsou. Basically, if I have to think about how to pronounce your name, it's not going to work.