Sweet, Dark and Crazy

Friday, April 30, 2010

Get Out of the Pool, Fool!

Okay, I’ve noted my disdain of amusement parks in an earlier post. Now, let’s talk about another facet of summer living that I just don’t do: pools.

I don’t swim. Although there is an amusing story about a five-year old SDC who broke away from her mommy at the pool and jumped into the deep end. Sure I couldn’t swim, but the water just looked so refreshing! Anyway, I digress.

I am a black girl, and in high school, I was not getting my hair wet. I can’t just wash and go. My hair takes work and I wasn’t having it. Yeah, like I’m gonna leave gym class and spend the rest of my day looking like Buckwheat’s illegitimate half sister. Hell no! This was high school! Who can afford to look bad in high school??? Plus, I was the only person in the class who couldn’t swim, so you couldn’t expect the teacher to drop everything to teach little old me.

I still can’t swim and I’m fine with that. I hate everything about swimming: chlorine in my eyes, water in my nose, swimsuits, hair issues, you can have it!

My home owner's association has a pool and they harangue and harass us ad nasuem about getting a damn pool pass. They even put us on blast in an email, listing all of the addresses that haven’t applied for their pool pass. Well, why the hell do I need a pass if I’m not going to the pool?

Even if I was body snatched and the alien inside of me wanted desperately to swim, we wouldn’t go to that pool. Why? Easy. It’s overrun with children, nasty little children doing Lord knows what in that pool. I see them heading over there during those long summer days and I’m not trying to touch that water, not even with a toe. Again. Hell no!

Labels: Random Shit, Rant

posted by SDC @ 2:41 PM 1 comments

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Happiness is an Edible Orange Square

It doesn’t take much to make me happy. Really it doesn’t. The other day I was going through the grocery store, picking up the usual items. I’m rolling through the snack aisle wondering why it is that I never buy potato chips. I don’t have a problem with potato chips. I like them. I really like the BBQ ones. Yet I never buy them. Why is that?

Anyway, as I continue down the aisle, I throw a bag of oyster crackers in the cart – because I bought a lot of soup and everyone knows soup and oyster crackers are an irresistible and yummy combination. Then I stop in front of the Cheez-Its. As I stand there marveling at the mind-numbing variety of cheese crackers, I see it.

It was like an answer to a prayer I didn’t know I’d prayed. Scrabble Cheez-Its. Now, I can combine my love of cheese-flavored crackers (that are especially good with tomato soup) with my favorite board game. I have just two words: pure genius. Make that three words: pure frickin’ genius!

Like I said, it really doesn’t take much to make me happy.

Labels: Food, Me

posted by SDC @ 2:52 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Don't Stand So Close to Me

Most people don’t know this about me, but I have this thing. It’s a pretty big thing, in a sense, since it affects where I will go and won’t go. It probably has a bigger effect on my social life than I have realized; but it is what it is and I don’t see it changing. I don’t like being close to people. I mean I’m not Howie Mandel, but still. I don’t mind hugging a friend or relative and I have no problem shaking hands but I don’t like being close the strangers.

At the movies and on the plane, I like the aisle seat because it’s bad enough being close to one person but at least I have the aisle. The middle seat is pure hell for me. The window isn’t much better because I’m hemmed in by the plane and usually some overweight guy or one of those guys who feels the need to spread himself out and into my seat.

I was just at Target and this woman was way too close to me. I almost said something, along the lines of “Bitch, back the fuck up,” however, I didn’t think that would be appropriate. So I just glared at her several times. She didn’t get the message. I think she was in a hurry but standing on top of me is not going to make things go any faster.

I don’t do amusement parks because it’s just too many people and the only thing worse than too many people is too many people who are hot and sweaty … which is one huge reason why I don’t do nightclubs either. A nightclub is filled to the brim with hot, sweaty, funky people (half of whom are wearing funky cologne or perfume). Of course, some guy is going to ask me to dance which is going to put me smack dab in the middle of the hottest, sweatiest and funkiest people in the club. Oh, and let’s not forget that people don’t ‘dance’ at the club. They grind and simulate sex. So now, I’m surrounded by hot, funky people and the hot and funky dude I’m dancing with is going to spend 10 minutes trying to push his semi-hard dick up on me. I think I'll pass.

No wonder I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to a club.

Anyway, it’s pretty safe to assume that I will not be running into you, dear reader, at the club or in line waiting to get on the water coaster at the amusement park. Oh, and the next time some crazed looking black woman gives you the ‘back up bitch’ glare, do everyone a favor and back the fuck up.

Labels: Me, People Please, Rant

posted by SDC @ 1:49 PM 2 comments

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I Don't Want to See That. Really I Don't.

Earlier today, I went to get gas. I was paying in cash, so I had to go in. I tried not to stare but it was too hard. So I looked and I looked hard. The gas station attendant was a woman with a FULL MOUSTACHE. It was dark and thick and full and, truth be told, in need of some clipping.

Are there men who find that sexy? It was the opposite of that Aerosmith song, “Dude Looks like a Lady.” It was ridiculous.

Then there is my neighbor. We’ll call her Bonita Buttrell. She knows all the dirt on everybody. I ran into her about a week ago and she filled me in on the neighborhood dirt (why the people on the corner got foreclosed on and the fact that the woman across the street is an undercover lezzie).

Anyway, I’ve gotten use to the harsh and blinding make-up. I’ve even grown to expect the ridiculously tacky blonde weaves and wigs that make her look like she’s on the stroll and will suck a dick for $5. But, it was the whiskers under her chin that got me. There were a ton of them and they were long and curly. She looked like Grizzly Adams in drag. It scared me. It really scared me.

Why would any woman walk around with excessive facial hair like that? You can tweeze. You can wax. You can shave. Hell, you can slap some Nair on it, wait three minutes and shave it off!

There are options! But damn it do something!

Labels: People Please, Rant

posted by SDC @ 7:58 PM 2 comments

When Persistence Doesn't Payoff

It would be nice if I could find a guy who I really liked and who liked me back. Sounds simple doesn’t it? Then, why in the hell is it so damn difficult. I’m talking about a guy who puts forth the effort to call me, talk to me and spend time with me, vertically. Yet, I consistently meet dudes who I’m not interested in or guy’s who just want to screw me. And then, they won't leave me the hell alone. They hang on like a bad rash.

I am still getting calls and texts from Mama’s Boy, the guy I met back in DECEMBER. I had lunch with him back then. We talked on the phone a few times and still no love connection. Hell, there wasn’t even a like connection. I stopped returning his calls and texts MONTHS ago and yet he leaves voicemails and texts me at least once every few weeks.

Then there is Jersey Mike. He's my friend Tikki's cousin. I met him when I was visiting her about a month ago. Our meeting was brief. We exchanged numbers. I thought we’d have a few nice phone calls. I didn’t expect much else, seeing as there are hundreds of miles between us.

He called and immediately, he starts making plans to come down and spend the weekend with me. I didn’t say anything at first because I didn’t think he was serious.

We talked a few times but when we did the conversation was very short (less than 5 minutes) and no real information was exchanged. I still don’t know his last name, what he does for a living, if he has kids or been married before. And he knows nothing about me. I don’t think he knows that I have a dog and Joey usually enters into the conversation pretty early.

Yet the weekend before last, he texted me asking what I liked to do. I gave him a short list of hobbies and interests. He texted me back and asked me if I liked to cuddle and then if I like to make love, to which I responded, “With someone I know very well.” At that point, I stopped returning his calls. Again, you know nothing about me. You haven’t asked any questions about me. You haven’t responded to my questions. When I asked what he did for a living, I got, “I work in a hospital.” Wow, that tells me a whole heck of a lot!

Well, I hadn’t heard from him and I figured he’d gotten the point. Well, last night I get the text, “I’m still thinking about you.” Okay, I thought, and I responded, “What are you thinking?” He said, “I’m thinking about holding you.” Now, I’m just annoyed.

I asked him why he couldn’t find someone to hold in his own state. And he said he wanted me. Great. I felt so special. I asked him who he wanted because he didn’t know me and he said that is why he wanted to come and spend the weekend.

My final text was, “I need to know more about you. I’d be crazy to spend a weekend with a stranger. You asked me if I liked sex before you even asked me my last name.”

Sure, he's Tikki's cousin but that only goes so far. Hell, I’m sure Jeffrey Dahmer had a couple of cool relatives too. I’m not saying this dude is some sadistic murderer who wants to dismember me and keep me in a vat of acid, but the fact is that I don’t know him.

I hate dating. Always have. So far, dating in my 40’s has completed sucked. It’s like arriving late to a great party. All the cool people are gone and all that is left is a bunch of drunks, guys trying to hook up with drunks and a bunch of people who just don’t know when to call it a night.

Seems like the party is over!

Labels: Men, Rant

posted by SDC @ 7:44 PM 0 comments

About Me

Name: SDC
Home: United States
About Me: I'm a youthful 44-year old, who is infectiously funny, dangerously smart, wildly creative, hopelessly math-phobic, tactfully honest, occasionally politically incorrect, and cute to boot!
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